Tag: Uncategorized

I-Spot Guide to the worst films ever.

I honestly thought I’d get more than that.

Catwoman’s on the shelf at home. That’ll help.

Thanks to some excellent reviews and sold-out shows, I’m pleased to be able to say that A Christmas Carol has been extended through to the 11th January.

Hoorah! Merry Christmas! God bless us, every one!

As dreaming’s been coming up a lot recently in blogs I read, I thought it might be a good idea to teach you all how to lucid dream.

Lucid dreaming is when you know that you’re dreaming, and can control the dream. I seem to recall reading a few years back that the most popular things to do are

a) have sex
b) fly

Both of which are great fun, whether dreaming or awake.

If you’re prone to nightmares and don’t enjoy them, it’s also a good way to jump tracks, and dream about something more fun instead.

It’s actually quite easy to lucid dream, and just takes a few weeks to learn. The technique’s actually very simple: you just have to learn to be aware whether you’re asleep or awake.

The way you do this is by cueing yourself up to ask the question, until it becomes a force of habit. You can do it by time (once every three hours, say), or by stimulus (every time you see a door, or the sky, or any other common object).

It works like this:

You see a door.
You think to yourself: Ooh. It’s a door. Am I dreaming?
You think to yourself: No, I’m not.

So, there you have it: Door / Dreaming? / No

Just get into the habit of checking every time you see a door. After a couple of weeks of this, your subconscious will now be in the habit of checking whether you’re dreaming or not on a regular basis.

The next thing that will happen is this:

You see a door.
You think to yourself: Ooh. It’s a door. Am I dreaming?
You think to yourself: Bloody hell, I am!

That’s the first stage. Now you know you’re dreaming.

You might be able to influence the dream already at this point. In this case: Off you go. Have fun.

If you find you can’t influence the dream yet, not to worry. You just need to create a break in the dream – changing it from a dream you can’t influence, to one where you can. And the easiest way to do that is to just change the setting.

So walk through the door. You could use anything, really: a change of landscape, a change of time, the next time you meet someone or something in the dream, all you really need to do is decide that the next change will give you control of the dream.

But, given that you’ve got a door there anyway, just choose what you want to be on the other side, and step through.

At this point, you’ll be able to control what happens in the dream. Meet anyone you like, do anything you want, really.

I recommend flying, and sex.

• You tend to pursue many different activities simultaneously. When misfortune does happen, it doesn’t actually dishearten you all that much.
• You are a thoughtful and cautious person. You like to think about your method, seeking to pursue your goal in the most effective way.
• You like following the rules and being objective. You are precise and meticulous, and like to evaluate decisions before making them.
• You have a sunny, cheerful disposition.

What does your drawing say about YOU?

So I got this request from Dom.

“Find a song that sums up what you think it means to be a writer and post the lyrics on your blog and why you’ve chosen it. NB: It doesn’t have to be your favourite song, it just has to express how you feel about writing and/or being a writer. It can be literal, metaphorical, about a particular form or aspect of writing – whatever you want.”

Hm.

Having had a wee think about this, I’ve been unable to come up with a song that captures how I feel about writing. And I think that’s because of this:

I don’t see writing as a vocation. I think it’s a job.

It’s an interesting job, a great job, one of the most wonderful jobs in the world. But at the end of the day, it’s still a job.

You might as well ask an accountant “What songs, to you, are all about accounting?”

I don’t know. Perhaps if you asked the greatest accountants in the world, maybe they would be able to wax poetical about what accounting means to them, expressed through the medium of their favourite pop song.

Sadly, I just couldn’t think of any songs in which the singer expresses how much they enjoy their work.

So. Nothing from me on this one.

This Empire quiz challenges you to work out the name of the film based on just one letter in the poster.

I got 20 out of 46.

Now I’m off to look at the answers and kick myself.

It’s the new blog craze that’s sweeping the nation.

Here’s a picture of my workspace. Like so many others, it doubles as my bedroom. The bed’s just to your left.

Since this picture was taken, El Pais has been covered with at least another three layers of cruft. Occasionally all of the magazines on the desk fall off onto the floor to the left.

I like to think of these as the tidy times.

Here’s a look at the shelves to the left, plus a giant Pikachu. I must try and get him back into his PokeBall, else he jumps on the bed in the night and wakes me up. It’s like having a cat, only with added electrocution.

William Gallagher, Michelle Lipton, and Helen Smith, I pass the baton to you.

(It’s an infinitely divisible baton. I can do that.)

As I mentioned recently, I wrote to Heinz to complain about them pulling an ad with two men kissing.

They wrote back to me today with the following:

“Dear Piers

Thank you for your recent email regarding the Heinz UK commercial for Deli Mayo. Consumer feedback is very important to us and we appreciate the opportunity to respond.

Heinz pulled the ad in the UK because our consumer research showed that the ad failed in its attempt to be humorous and offended people on all sides.

Heinz apologises for its misplaced attempt at humour and we accept that this ad was not in accordance with our long-standing corporate policy of respecting everyone’s rights and values.

Again, our sincere apology to anyone who felt offended. We appreciate you taking time to contact us to express your opinion and allowing us to address this issue.”

So, what you’re saying, you useless fucks, is that you haven’t even read my email because you’ve sent me a stock response for people who were offended by the ad.

I WASN’T OFFENDED BY THE ADVERT.

I WAS OFFENDED BY YOUR USELESS, COWARDLY ACTION IN PULLING IT.

And then your marketeers fuck it up further with this.

I’m really quite appalled by your idiocy.

I think that at this point a boycott of Heinz products is in order.

Three months should be long enough in the first instance to send a message to their accountants and executives. After that, I’ll look at it again.

If you’re doing the same, you may also wish to send them an email to let them know what you’re doing and why.

Just so that they can be crystal fucking clear on why they’re losing your business.

Well.

If you live in the UK, you may have noticed that MPs in the House of Commons have just voted to extend pre-charge detention to 42 days.

42 days. That’s six weeks.

Six weeks, in which you could be locked up in a cell with no idea what you were being accused of.

Six weeks away from your friends and family.

Six weeks away from your job.

And they don’t even have to charge you with a crime.

But hold on, Piers. These are terrorists, right? They’re bad people who want to kill us. What if they can hold out longer than the current 28 day limit?

Well, in one of the most complex counter-terrorism investigations in British history, the evidence obtained to charge the two suspects charged with terrorism was obtained at four and twelve days respectively.

42 days? Hell, that’s nowhere near the edge of even the 28 days that we currently have. (Which, by the way, is roughly four times longer than that any comparable democracy in the world.)

But it’s not just all political posturing, right? The police and MI5 are asking for this change? Well, actually MI5 don’t, the police are split on the issue, and even the supporters of a longer detention period think that the bill in its current form is unworkable.

The bill will now move to the House of Lords, where we expect it to be defeated.

Good.

This is bad law, drafted by a desperate government.

Those behind it deserve nothing but our derision and contempt.