Month: July 2008

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My Space

It’s the new blog craze that’s sweeping the nation.

Here’s a picture of my workspace. Like so many others, it doubles as my bedroom. The bed’s just to your left.

Since this picture was taken, El Pais has been covered with at least another three layers of cruft. Occasionally all of the magazines on the desk fall off onto the floor to the left.

I like to think of these as the tidy times.

Here’s a look at the shelves to the left, plus a giant Pikachu. I must try and get him back into his PokeBall, else he jumps on the bed in the night and wakes me up. It’s like having a cat, only with added electrocution.

William Gallagher, Michelle Lipton, and Helen Smith, I pass the baton to you.

(It’s an infinitely divisible baton. I can do that.)

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Screenwriters Festival

Fortunately Lee Thomson (he smiles, you know) has a roundup of other people’s thoughts on the festival which means that I don’t have to.

I believe some comedic pictures of the event may also be available from Jason Arnopp. The majority of them, sadly, are on facebook, and I find myself completely unable to recollect his Facebook Name at the moment.

A few random thoughts:

  • Next year, I’m going to take first class on the train, and I think you should too – it’s only an extra tenner or so if you buy a week in advance, and will make the trip so much nicer.

  • If the screenwriting agencies don’t show up at their promised sessions, help any other people who arrive by giving them good advice, then escape by leaping through the window. You will receive biscuits for your kindness.

  • Croquet is a vicious, vicious game.

  • The chances of being able to find anything vaguely resembling a Martini within the vicinity of the festival range somewhere between slim and none.

  • We don’t do catchphrases. There’s no evidence for that.

  • Room parties are a fine invention. Though you should probably try to keep the noise down to less than, say, jet-engine levels. Or the hotel duty manager may swing by and politely ask you to keep it down.

  • Tony Jordan really is a lovely man.

  • The ways of The Dark Arrow are both mysterious and disturbing.

  • Networking is not going up to the most famous person in the room and asking them to read your script. Networking is actually about going and having fun with your friends who work in the same industry.

I haven’t laughed as loudly, as long, or as often for a long time.

I’ll be there next year. I hope you will too.

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Customer Service FAIL

As I mentioned recently, I wrote to Heinz to complain about them pulling an ad with two men kissing.

They wrote back to me today with the following:

“Dear Piers

Thank you for your recent email regarding the Heinz UK commercial for Deli Mayo. Consumer feedback is very important to us and we appreciate the opportunity to respond.

Heinz pulled the ad in the UK because our consumer research showed that the ad failed in its attempt to be humorous and offended people on all sides.

Heinz apologises for its misplaced attempt at humour and we accept that this ad was not in accordance with our long-standing corporate policy of respecting everyone’s rights and values.

Again, our sincere apology to anyone who felt offended. We appreciate you taking time to contact us to express your opinion and allowing us to address this issue.”

So, what you’re saying, you useless fucks, is that you haven’t even read my email because you’ve sent me a stock response for people who were offended by the ad.

I WASN’T OFFENDED BY THE ADVERT.

I WAS OFFENDED BY YOUR USELESS, COWARDLY ACTION IN PULLING IT.

And then your marketeers fuck it up further with this.

I’m really quite appalled by your idiocy.