Fat Pigeons

One of the things that gives me immense pleasure in the world is solving a problem.

It’s why I do cryptic crosswords.
It’s why I started out as a programmer.
It’s why I became an internet strategist, then a website editor.
It’s why I write.

In writing, it’s finding the right line, the right character, the right plot twist, the right set piece.

As every hacker, writer, strategist, and crossword-setter knows, there are many acceptable solutions to a problem. But only a few are elegant.

Which brings us to Pun-Pun.

You may, if you’re reading this blog, be aware of my fondness for role-playing games such as Dungeons and Dragons. A selection of rules which allow you to create characters, who can then go and fight monsters.

As with any set of rules, you can find places where they allow you to do things that the creators might not intend. In hacking and MMORPGs, these are known as exploits, or (sometimes) just sploits. Where you take advantage of someone not seeing all the consequences of the rules they’ve made.

And, just like in hacking or MMORPGs, people have found exploits in D&D. Sometimes to get an unstoppable character, but more often just for the sheer hellacious fun of it all. It’s problem solving at a very pure level. Given this set of rules, what’s the most powerful character you can build?

Well, here he is: Pun-Pun the Divine Kobold, created by Khan the Destroyer.

For those of you who don’t want to work through the reasoning: A Kobold is one of the crappiest monsters in D&D. They exist purely to have the shit kicked out of them by first-level adventurers. But, thanks to some hard thinking, Pun-Pun can become a God.

By fifth level.

It’s the elegance that makes it great. (Of course, if you’re not going to read it you’ll just have to trust me on this one.)

Think of it: A simple Kobold! With the power of a God! Surely humanity is Doomed!

But no! On the horizon: a Saviour!

LordOfProcrastination has found a way for a simple Elf to raise themselves to Divinity.

By fourth level.

And the way they achieve this divine power is by hiring a few assistants, casting a few spells, and then throwing themselves off a cliff.

Elegance. I love it.

Walking into work just now, I opened one of those ten feet high doors made of solid wood.

(Not randomly. I have to in order to get to my desk.)

At which point it fell off its hinges. Fortunately I was able to step to one side before being squashed like a bug.

After checking that I was unharmed, two of us tried to lift the door to one side of the room.

We couldn’t.

I suspect my employer is trying to save money on both maintenance and staff costs in one fell swoop.

So, Loli and I dropped off a friend at the airport yesterday, and it turns out that they have a new question at the check-in desk.

“Have you left any electrical device with someone else to be repaired since the last time you used it?”

Fair enough. That laptop could be full of all sorts of bombs, germs, or other nastiness, ready to be triggered the next time it’s used.

The best bit, though, was that we found out what the security protocol is if someone answers yes.

The poor bugger behind the counter has to switch it on.

Tagged by Helen. So here are five things about me which other people might think lame, but which make me who I am.

1) I cry at sad stories.

Including but not limited to Casualty last Saturday, and the sad song that Jessie sings in Toy Story 2 about how people grow up and grow apart from the things that they love as children.

Also and particularly, in one of the Doctor Who books. It’s called Happy Endings, and is written by Paul Cornell, who now writes for the TV series.

It’s the seventh Doctor. One of his companions (Bernice) is getting married, and the book is set at the wedding.

Despite various complications, she’s finally tied the knot and the Doctor (as is his wont), nips out back and heads toward the TARDIS, preparing to slip quietly away before anyone notices. Just an old man, preparing to travel the universe on his own. Pretending to himself that he doesn’t need anyone. That he’s fine on his own, and he’ll just quietly disappear.

And then Bernice appears and tells him to come back inside, where it’s warm, and he has friends that love him.

And he goes back inside.

And here I am, writing this, in an open plan office, crying. I don’t think anyone’s noticed. Shh.

2) I’ve recently started playing Dungeons and Dragons again.

And enjoying it.

3) I’ve just bought a new dictionary.

And I’ve been so excited about it that I’ve told everyone within nattering distance at both places I work how good it is. Several times.

Sixth Edition, baby, that’s where it’s at.

4) I like programming

It’s fun. Especially on Unix systems. But not C, because, frankly, pointers suck. Give me something a little more high-level to work with, eh?

5) I enjoy doing medium strength Cryptic Crosswords

Quixote in the Independent is good, as are many of the setters in the Sunday Times – though as they don’t credit their setters, you never know whether you’re going to get a good one or a bad one.

But I get really annoyed if the clues aren’t Ximenean.

I tag Loli, Christine, William, Jason again (because the holiday-taking slacker hasn’t got round to it yet), and Phill.