On Follow-Up Calls

ME
Hi, is this ______________?
(Executive's name deleted for whiny lawyer reasons.)

MR. X
Yeah. Who's this?

ME
Jeremy Slater. You know, the awesome screenwriter. I'm a big fan of your work, by the way. Especially the way you directed Jurassic Park. And that other one...what was it called? Snakes on a Something. Bus? Plane? Plane, right?

(long silence)

MR. X
That wasn't me.

ME
Shit, I meant Jews on a Train.

MR. X
...Schindler's List.

ME
What?

MR. X
Schindler's List. That's what it was called.

ME
Are you sure? That can't be right.

(long silence)

MR. X
Who is this again?

ME
Jeremy Slater? I, um, sent you my screenplay a few days ago? Just wondering whether you want to buy it or whatever. Make me an offer. I'll take anything.

MR. X
How did you get this number?

ME
That's not important. Let's focus on RAPEBEAR.

(longest silence yet)

MR. X
Excuse me?

ME
Born in a laboratory! Forged in pain! A thirst for blood...and rape! Rapebear!

MR. X
I don't...I'm very confused. I don't have any script here like...um...I don't know what's going on here.

ME
Don't do this to me, Stevie. Don't play me like this.

MR. X
(speaking to someone else)
Marla? Did any scripts come in from a...a Slater?
(listens)
Oh God, seriously? It's that guy?
(into phone)
Hey, are you the guy who used a magic marker to draw a cartoon bear on the cover...?

ME
...raping, yeah. That's kind of what he does.

MR. X
(muffled laughter, followed by several seconds of excited whispering)
Mr. Slater? You're on speakerphone. Could you please tell us all a little more about, um, your unique concept?

ME
You mean Rapebear, the bear that rapes?

(Hysterical laughter can be heard.)

ME
Who is that? Who dares to laugh? You're making a powerful enemy here, you son of a--

MR. X
(interrupting)
No, that was just...um, we were watching Home Improvement in the background. That's all.

ME
Oh. Well, that is a very funny show.

MR. X
Please, go on.

ME
Anyway, since you already know Tom Cruise, I figured he'd be perfect for the role of Lance Bearworthy, disgruntled Park Ranger with a heart of gold. The man whose past hides a terrible secret. About bears, I mean.

UNIDENTIFIED VOICE
Oh my God...

MR. X
Jeff, quiet!
(into phone)
Please continue.

ME
Um...okay. I'm not sure who you should cast as the female love interest, Hunny Fuckable. Maybe Jessica Alba if she's available...

MR. X
Wait, what was her name again?

ME
Hunny Fuckable. She's a bear biologist with a heart of gold--
(Interrupted by more hysterical laughter.)
Listen, could you maybe turn down Home Improvement?

MR. X
Sure, sure, we'll get right on that. So this bear you're talking about--

ME
Rapebear.

MR. X
Right, Rapebear. So what's his deal? He, what, terrorizes the countryside or something?

ME
Yes, with his Ursine Shaft of Doom. First he rapes his way through Farmer McOnion's cow pasture--

MR. X
Okay, so he's killing cows--

ME
No, just raping them a bit. He's kind of gentle. For a bear, anyway. I mean, the cows don't really like it, but they're not exactly fighting it either, if you know what I mean.

ANOTHER UNIDENTIFIED VOICE
I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

MR. X
Damn it, shush!
(into phone)
Uh-huh. And so this Lance Bearworthy has to stop the bear from raping the cows, is that it?

ME
Oh, Rapebear quickly progresses past cows. Soon he's going after smaller, sexier bears, mountain goats, a schoolbus...

MR. X
He rapes a schoolbus?

ME
It's kind of the big setpiece of the film. He's thrusting through the windows, all the kids are screaming, he's making this ARRROOOOOOOOO noise...it's awesome.

MR. X
I'm sure. And the end? Do they stop Rapebear?

ME
Do they ever! See, there's this retarded kid named Gilbert Grape who keeps following Lance Bearworthy around for the entire movie. I figure you could cast either Steve Buscemi or maybe a real retard for the role. Anyway, Lance Bearworthy finally decides to strap sticks of dynamite to Gilbert's chest and sends him into Rapebear's cave...

MR. X
Wait, they turn the retarded kid into a suicide bomber?

ME
Yeah, but since he's all goofy in the head, he doesn't even know what's going on! That's what makes it so funny!

MR. X
Hmmph.

UNIDENTIFIED VOICE
This went from funny to depressing pretty damn fast.

MR. X
Um, Mr. Slater? We're going to have to get back to you on this one, okay?

ME
Okie-dokie. But you liked it, right?

MR. X
It was something else all right. Listen, don't call us, okay? We'll call you.

ME
Super-duper. Have fun with Home Improvement. This is a nice home you got here, by the way. Real fancy.

MR. X
Wait, what? Hey, where are you calling from?

(*CLICK*)

MR. X
Hello? Hello?